Homecoming

It was sad and wonderful and comforting yet estranging all at once. Stepping off the plane, walking down the arrivals ramp, and seeing them, the beautiful four, all together, filled me with so much joy. Finally! I got to see their lovely, familiar faces, so casual and yet so happy, and got to step in and among them and hug them and be surrounded by family. That, is a very good feeling.

Four months is not so long; others have gone longer. Nonetheless, I'd have to say that, at this particular point in life, four months apart was quite long enough.

I love my family very much. Their quirks, hugs, arguments, smiles, encouragement, humour, are all delightful. ... Actually, they do annoy me at times, but overall, none can compare, obviously! They're my family.

However, being home has been a little more difficult than I expected. I spent my first couple days back trying to pinpoint exactly why. Why on earth was I feeling homesick for Montreal?! Because that was the feeling: homesickness. I talked with my parents about booking flights back on the first evening home (for complicated potential-employment reasons), since I'm returning to Montreal for most of the summer, and, completely without thinking, I referred to Montreal as "home".

"Well, it would be good for me to arrive home by mid-May..." .... "Wait honey, home? Did you just call Montreal 'home'?" 

.... Oops. That was unwitting. It just kind of slipped out. My mom said, almost sadly, "You've adjusted so well." I guess that is most parents' dream and nightmare - they want their child to be happy, healthy, safe, well-adjusted, and surrounded by people who care for them, but they themselves also desire to be needed and wanted by their children.

For the first couple days, the homesick feeling persisted; it's still lingering a bit, in fact, but I think I'm doing better at embracing the moment and enjoying my time here while it lasts.

What I'd like to share, though, is why I've been missing Montreal so much in the first place.

The people. I've made what I consider to be some tremendous friendships over this past year. Some are with other scholars and fellow McGill students, but a large majority of the people who've made me feel at home come from my church. Having such a wonderful church community is a relatively new experience for me, and one that I was quite surprised by. I am so blessed to have been so welcomed, along with the other "BC girls". I could go on and on about these people, but I won't for the time being, as my fingers would probably cramp up, and it's almost bedtime. I'd recommend simply visiting me in Montreal and meeting all of them for yourself!

The city. There is so much diversity here! Of people, neighbourhoods, concerts, music, events, food. Montreal is truly a vibrant city. Coming from a rather culturally homogenous city, I've loved the change in pace and atmosphere. I think it can be quite good for a growing young person. I also have a small love affair with the city's transit system, la STM. I'm not entirely sure why, though. Most likely it's that I'd never used transit much before, so the STM is my first taste; I'm getting to know it more and more, and overall, it's rather friendly I'd say. Getting to know Montreal and creating a mental map of the island's layout is very satisfying.

The language. FRENCH. Well. Have I told you I love this language? I do. I really do. Anytime anyone is willing to speak with me in French, it brightens my day. I even love the Québécois accent! I mean, it makes comprehension rather difficult at times, but it is so tied up in the uniqueness of the Québécois identity, which makes it fascinating. (Though I must say, my own French has retained a certain level of "proper France-French" to it... This may be beginning to change, however.) The juxtaposition of Anglophone and Francophone Québécois culture is also very interesting to observe. Beginning to know and better understand some of the underlying tensions and history is so very very interesting and exciting.

Anyhow, most of this is simple surface stuff. What really made me feel quite bereft upon arriving home in BC is the sense that I'd stepped back in time. You know how most people say that they feel as though, once they've been away for a while, everything back home should have paused and stayed the same so that they could come back to everything as they'd left it, but then how that's never the case and things have always moved on and everyone has changed? In a sense, I felt the opposite. I was ready for everything to have changed and moved along, because that's how it had always been in the past when I'd gone away for a while. Besides, I'd changed and had begun to move along, so why shouldn't everyone else? 

But no. When I got back home, some things had changed, yes. The furniture was rearranged, my bed had strange pink apple sheets on it, my mom was working more often, and my dad had taken up karate, but... My role hadn't changed. (Selfish, I know. All about me.) Actually, I suppose it had changed a bit; I was now a returning university student who was able to sit at home and rest up while life continued on around me. However, my room was still where it used to be (thank goodness I wasn't relegated to the guest room!), our dog was still eager to be walked, I still lived on the same street, I had the same wonderful high school friends I was eager to hang out with, and I was just.... me. Stripped of all my Montreal experience and friendships and city and language affection. I walked the same stairs I'd been walking for the five years I'd lived in this house. The roads were the same and the language was the same. The lake was there like it's always been.

Of course, why on earth would any of this have changed?! That would just be silly. Rather nonsensical, in fact. But it struck me: everything was moving forward and changing for me in Montreal. I was growing up there and starting to become a little bit of an "adult". (In small ways; I suffer no illusions that I am some fully independent "grown-up" by this point at any means! but in Montreal, adulthood is definitely what I've been inching quite steadily towards.) It was in Montreal that I'd done a lot more learning than ever before on how to take care of myself, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. It's in Montreal that the exploring, the discovering, the big choosing, the new-relationship building, was and is happening. That's not to say that some of it can't be carried on here. It's just rather difficult to transport relationships and a city and its lessons across the country. For me, at this point in my life, Montreal is where the movement is. It's where the newness continues and where I'm taking steps forward. I feel a little frozen here, being away from it all, even if only for a couple weeks. Things would be different if I knew I was staying in BC for a longer time, but I'm not. I'm headed back across the country soon to my second home. 

At the moment, that one is a little less safe and certain than my solid home here. Nothing can ever beat family in terms of feeling perfectly at home; I was born and raised in this British Columbian city, and I have no plans to leave it behind and forget about it (don't worry Mom and Dad :)). Besides, it's kind of gorgeous to say the least - a place everyone from Québec wants to visit! But more importantly, it's filled with beautiful people: old friends, grandparents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, parents... People, parents especially, who I'll always want and need on some level, be I here, Montreal, Mongolia, Morocco, or Monaco. Or even someplace that doesn't start with an "M"!

It's funny really, this outcome of the human ability to love so many people. If home is where the heart is, what is one to do if a rather large and motley crew of people can hold parts of your heart all at once? Let's just say that I think it's okay to have more than one home for the time being. One has a very strong and old foundation. The other's foundation is currently being laid, and the construction workers are doing quite the solid job so far. It's hard sometimes, to have your heart dragged in so many directions. But it's alright too, because, in truth, more homes just mean that there's a lot of love going around, and that makes me one very blessed girl.

Weird, and ever so slightly disconcerting.

That's the only way I can think to describe it. That feeling I got after the empty library had filled up and we'd all been there for eight hours or so, the sense that something about this all was so odd:
the brilliant young people sitting and sitting and sitting for hours on end, maybe eating, maybe studying instead, just poring over books. No social interactions, except for the guilty pleasure visit to Facebook. Cramming their heads... Us cramming our heads, actually, with knowledge until we'd lost all sense of excitement at the intake of new information.
What was the point? Does this even help? Well, um, yes. Yes I suppose it does. Good marks and all that. But it was just so strange to see rows upon rows of students filling themselves up with book-knowledge - it was as if they were all lined up just so, positioned so the feeder tubes could pour in information, and they all hoped it would stay in there long enough to allow them to succeed in life, even if they forgot everything right after the exam.
I know this all sounds normal - this is university Christina. That's what we do with ourselves.

Yes yes, okay. I'll do it too.

It's just that, at the end of the day, I get the sense that a little bit of the interestingness and will to do something with myself has been sucked out of me. But that's okay right? Exams will be over soon.

All I can say is that I hope there's a very good motivation behind all of this.... A very good point to it indeed.

It was empty at the start. Kind of pretty and hopeful actually!

Knowledge regurgitation FTW.

Cherubim Hymn

This is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard.
Listen and be at peace.

Une pause

Elle est perdue dans ses espoirs
Ses rêves -
irréels parfois, mais parfois
peut-être plus réels
possibles
proches...
qu'elle peut deviner.
Mais encore... peut-être que
ça n'est plus qu'une espérance.

Psychology & Realism

It's already begun:
I have some kind of irrational emotion, and I understand why I'm having it. Well that's convenient and useful for emotional well-being, but it can happen when I have whims too, dreams, lovely sentiments... Reason and knowledge of the mind swoop in and explain away all mystery.

I've only taken two psychology courses at McGill, and the way of thinking behind them has already infected my mind.

I realize the word "infected" makes it sound entirely unpleasant, but really, it's not completely, and I use "infected" only because once this mindset grabs hold of you, it becomes difficult to ever let it go. Being able to explain human behaviour, or at least feel like you can, does have its perks: it helps enormously in conflict resolution, counselling, moving past harmful irrationality, understanding others... etc. etc. The trouble is, there are times when I don't want to understand everything, and don't want to unravel every mystery. Naturally, this begs the deeper question: is it wrong to want to avoid knowledge, to remain in ignorance?

Generally, my answer to this question would be yes, it is wrong: one should seek truth!
I do stand by that, but I think that when it comes to the human mind, there are times when explanations turn out to be inaccurate and/or unnecessary. Inaccurate in that they don't do justice to the mind's true state of affairs, and unnecessary in that they can stifle creativity and imagination.

Life is nice with a little mystery, with a few things that can't be explained away by logic, and humans are one of the more mysterious and interesting groups to observe! Human life and emotion in all its complexity is fascinating to wonder about and experience. Often, when realism kicks in in the middle of some imaginative train of thought, it kills it, and all you're left with is a feeling of "Oh. Well, I suppose that makes sense then." It can be quite the letdown.

The reason I'm so focused on psychology is because I'm considering studying both it and linguistics, and the time for course selection has arrived. At this moment, the thought of pursuing courses that try to explain and understand human behaviour and mental processes is a little disheartening. I feel as though it might quash some of my creative spirit. Maybe that's silly. Maybe, like the physicist who understands matter and goes on to research the possibility of string theory, I could use this knowledge to think past what is and consider what more could be discovered - that requires imagination!
(I know that physics isn't the same as psychology, yes yes, but allow me to draw the hopeful parallel.)

After all, isn't all education about seeking to understand more and more?

It really does change your perspective though, psychology. It applies to everything, making it hard to get out of your mind, because it's the study of, well, you, and everyone around you, which is why it's so popular! And important. Sometimes, this seems fascinating, but at other times, like right now, I feel as though I don't want to have a bundle of knowledge explaining away the wonderment and curiosity that comes from having mysteries of the mind to explore. Is it wrong to purposefully avoid certain knowledge and simply live out the human experience?

If anyone has an opinion, I would very much like to hear it!

If you're feeling anxious

Lots of life going on lately.
I find this song so so calming and dreamy. Music is one of the best remedies for stress; good music can lift you out of life and put you in a moment removed from everything else. In that separation, it can soothe your soul, give you time to think clearly, and ease you back into reality. Music, beauty, gives you a fresh perspective.
This song has yet to fail to relax, especially when I'm stressed and studying.
"Ollie Falls Asleep" - Berlinist. Enjoy :)

Self-promoting narcissists

You may already know this, but for context’s sake I’ll make my predicament/(fortune?) known:

This summer, I must find a job. But not your typical student summer job, mind you. No, it has to be a tad more involved, more along the lines of an upper-level, paid internship. Problem is, I don’t exactly have a CV filled with the skills most insurance companies or typical businesses would be looking for, and I’m supposed to find a position with a “profit-driven company”. So how do I convince a business that I’m worth hiring? (Because I am TOTALLY worth hiring by the way ;))

Well, I read a blog post recently, and it looks like I have some work to do.

I highly recommend actually reading the article, but if you don’t, here’s the gist of it:

Women, in general, are less willing than men to be totally ballsy and bluff their way into work that they’re not necessarily qualified for. This author, "Clay Shirky", suggests that women aren’t as willing as men to be “self-promoting narcissists” to get their way. Of course that doesn't mean that this is true of all women, or that all men find it easy to be "self-aggrandizing jerks" when the situation calls for it, but the author does have a point in noting that a lot more men seem to become famous in their chosen fields than women, and this isn’t because women are under-qualified - it would seem many (more?) men simply know when and how to effectively exaggerate their abilities! Anyways, if you want the whole story, just read the post. Seriously.

Now, I'm thinking that, as far as generalizations go, if we're going to say women have trouble promoting themselves, then we'd better say that perfectionists have quite the tough time as well, as do Christians, and others belonging to religious groups that also emphasize being humble. 

Perfectionists are hard on themselves, and often less likely to discuss how fantastic they are because of the near-impossible standards they regularly hold themselves to.

As far as religious beliefs go, those seeking to live lives of humility are probably not the first ones to start tooting their own horns.

As a Christian female with perfectionist tendencies... Well, you get the picture. Though really, whether or not you possess one or all three of these traits, it will probably be hard to intensely self-promote if you don't believe in your own, well, awesomeness.  So a first step is reminding yourself of your God-given gifts and abilities. I am not, however, going to write a whole post convincing you of how everyone is fantastic - that for the moment is up to you, and hopefully some lovely people in your life :)

Now, once one is feeling more confident overall, and that they'd be very much worth hiring, the time comes to start sounding like what could be perceived as a bit of an egotist. I'm not just talking about the classic, "I am a hard-working individual, quick learner, blah blah blah etc." spiel. (Though this is good CV stuff, and these are important qualities.) No, as the aforementioned blog post mentions, and as I've been encouraged to do this past summer at "scholar camp", I'm thinking more about the persistent emails, the CV drop-off follow ups, the convincing self-pitches about how your work is FANTASTIC, how your potential employer would be infinitely better off with you as part of his/her team. It all makes me think of Gilmore Girls, as many things do, (THE best show, in my humble opinion), Season 6, Episode 9, in which college student Rory Gilmore works to get her desired position: (You can skip the example below if you don't like reading TV show scripts and/or examples... But it's a good one!)

[At the office of the Stamford Eagle Gazette]

RORY [jumps up]: She's pointing at me!

MR. WOOLES: Rory Gilmore!

RORY: As you live and breathe.

MR. WOOLES: Uh, I'm sorry, did we, uh -

RORY: No, we didn't have an appointment. I just thought I would come down here and talk to you about a job.

MR. WOOLES: A job?

RORY: A beginning staff writer job, to be exact.

MR. WOOLES: Okay, I think maybe we got our signals crossed earlier. I thought I was clear, I don't have any jobs available.

RORY: No, you were very clear. You said you didn't have any jobs available and I heard you. I have excellent hearing, among my many other qualifications which I have listed here on my resume. [She hands him an envelope.]

MR. WOOLES: Your -

RORY: And my portfolio. [She picks up two large binders.] Samples of all my writing. All my work from the Yale Daily News, plus a couple of spec pieces that I've just recently finished. Ideas, potential pitches, theater reviews. [She hands him the binders.]

MR. WOOLES: Well, I'm sure that this is all -

RORY: Look, I know that this is very spur of the moment, but I thought maybe you could find a minute to sit down and talk with me.

MR. WOOLES: About what?

RORY: About a job.

MR. WOOLES: But I don't have any job openings.

RORY: I know, but see, earlier, when we were on the phone, you were so positive and optimistic, and you said so many complimentary things! I mean, frankly, you made me sound great! So great that I thought, hey, you should hire that girl.

MR. WOOLES [shaking his head]: But -

RORY: I already know most of the staff! The rhythm of this place. How it runs. I know where you keep the pens. I have personally fixed the copier in that coffee room on more than ten occasions. But the bottom line is, Mitchum was wrong. I am a very good writer. And I have great organizational skills, yes, but I know how to come at an article. I have a point of view. A voice. And - big selling point - I am a huge bargain.

MR. WOOLES: Rory, these are wonderful points, but I have nothing at this moment!

RORY: If you could sit down and talk with me I bet we could work that out.

MR. WOOLES: I have no time to sit and talk with you today. I'm sorry.

RORY: Look. I have sent my resume to several other papers. I'm not worried about finding a position. I'm worried about finding the right position. The right place for me. I think this is the right place for me.

MR. WOOLES: Well, it's not the right place for you, because there is no place for you! I have no job openings!

RORY: Give me ten minutes of your time and I bet I can change your mind.

MR. WOOLES: I don't have ten minutes.

RORY: I would be invaluable to you here.

MR. WOOLES: If I gave you a job I'd have to fire Harry.

RORY: Five minutes.

MR. WOOLES: Sorry.

RORY: That's okay. I can wait.

[She sits down and folds her hands in her lap.]  

Rory's persistence eventually pays off, and Mr. Wooles hires her. Naturally, this isn't representative of all circumstances, but your chances of being hired increase substantially the more appealing you appear to your prospective employer, and how will he/she know how amazing you are unless you tell him/her? And subsequently remind them by resurfacing? (Because CVs can get buried and forgotten pretty quickly.) Of course, this doesn't mean that once you've been very firmly rejected you should keep showing up; that could lead to a restraining order. However, as long as there's a possibility, however slight, of success, keep going for it! Declare that you have impressive accomplishments and are enthused by the prospect of working at your desired company! As the blog post first mentioned suggests, perhaps be so obnoxious as to have other people start thinking you're rather narcissistic. You may not get the job you want if you aren't able or willing to risk sounding full of yourself to some people. But really, how important is it what you sound like to them? The post's author writes:

It’s tempting to imagine that women could be forceful and self-confident without being arrogant or jerky, but that’s a false hope, because it’s other people who get to decide when they think you’re a jerk, and trying to stay under that threshold means giving those people veto power over your actions. To put yourself forward as someone good enough to do interesting things is, by definition, to expose yourself to all kinds of negative judgments, and as far as I can tell, the fact that other people get to decide what they think of your behavior leaves only two strategies for not suffering from those judgments: not doing anything, or not caring about the reaction. [Italics mine.]

And that is a wonderful argument, especially for those of us who fear being perceived as too "over the top"... It really applies to lots of things in life.

Anyhow, I write all this as if to some external audience, but in reality, I am writing to myself as much as anyone. I hope I can put some of these principles and suggestions to use in the job/internship hunt this summer, and I hope you can too, if ever they seem to be of use!

PS - I hope that this ridiculously long post somewhat makes up for my prolonged lack of updates.