It was sad and wonderful and comforting yet estranging all at once. Stepping off the plane, walking down the arrivals ramp, and seeing them, the beautiful four, all together, filled me with so much joy. Finally! I got to see their lovely, familiar faces, so casual and yet so happy, and got to step in and among them and hug them and be surrounded by family. That, is a very good feeling.
Four months is not so long; others have gone longer. Nonetheless, I'd have to say that, at this particular point in life, four months apart was quite long enough.
I love my family very much. Their quirks, hugs, arguments, smiles, encouragement, humour, are all delightful. ... Actually, they do annoy me at times, but overall, none can compare, obviously! They're my family.
However, being home has been a little more difficult than I expected. I spent my first couple days back trying to pinpoint exactly why. Why on earth was I feeling homesick for Montreal?! Because that was the feeling: homesickness. I talked with my parents about booking flights back on the first evening home (for complicated potential-employment reasons), since I'm returning to Montreal for most of the summer, and, completely without thinking, I referred to Montreal as "home".
"Well, it would be good for me to arrive home by mid-May..." .... "Wait honey, home? Did you just call Montreal 'home'?"
.... Oops. That was unwitting. It just kind of slipped out. My mom said, almost sadly, "You've adjusted so well." I guess that is most parents' dream and nightmare - they want their child to be happy, healthy, safe, well-adjusted, and surrounded by people who care for them, but they themselves also desire to be needed and wanted by their children.
For the first couple days, the homesick feeling persisted; it's still lingering a bit, in fact, but I think I'm doing better at embracing the moment and enjoying my time here while it lasts.
What I'd like to share, though, is why I've been missing Montreal so much in the first place.
The people. I've made what I consider to be some tremendous friendships over this past year. Some are with other scholars and fellow McGill students, but a large majority of the people who've made me feel at home come from my church. Having such a wonderful church community is a relatively new experience for me, and one that I was quite surprised by. I am so blessed to have been so welcomed, along with the other "BC girls". I could go on and on about these people, but I won't for the time being, as my fingers would probably cramp up, and it's almost bedtime. I'd recommend simply visiting me in Montreal and meeting all of them for yourself!
The city. There is so much diversity here! Of people, neighbourhoods, concerts, music, events, food. Montreal is truly a vibrant city. Coming from a rather culturally homogenous city, I've loved the change in pace and atmosphere. I think it can be quite good for a growing young person. I also have a small love affair with the city's transit system, la STM. I'm not entirely sure why, though. Most likely it's that I'd never used transit much before, so the STM is my first taste; I'm getting to know it more and more, and overall, it's rather friendly I'd say. Getting to know Montreal and creating a mental map of the island's layout is very satisfying.
The language. FRENCH. Well. Have I told you I love this language? I do. I really do. Anytime anyone is willing to speak with me in French, it brightens my day. I even love the Québécois accent! I mean, it makes comprehension rather difficult at times, but it is so tied up in the uniqueness of the Québécois identity, which makes it fascinating. (Though I must say, my own French has retained a certain level of "proper France-French" to it... This may be beginning to change, however.) The juxtaposition of Anglophone and Francophone Québécois culture is also very interesting to observe. Beginning to know and better understand some of the underlying tensions and history is so very very interesting and exciting.
Anyhow, most of this is simple surface stuff. What really made me feel quite bereft upon arriving home in BC is the sense that I'd stepped back in time. You know how most people say that they feel as though, once they've been away for a while, everything back home should have paused and stayed the same so that they could come back to everything as they'd left it, but then how that's never the case and things have always moved on and everyone has changed? In a sense, I felt the opposite. I was ready for everything to have changed and moved along, because that's how it had always been in the past when I'd gone away for a while. Besides, I'd changed and had begun to move along, so why shouldn't everyone else?
But no. When I got back home, some things had changed, yes. The furniture was rearranged, my bed had strange pink apple sheets on it, my mom was working more often, and my dad had taken up karate, but... My role hadn't changed. (Selfish, I know. All about me.) Actually, I suppose it had changed a bit; I was now a returning university student who was able to sit at home and rest up while life continued on around me. However, my room was still where it used to be (thank goodness I wasn't relegated to the guest room!), our dog was still eager to be walked, I still lived on the same street, I had the same wonderful high school friends I was eager to hang out with, and I was just.... me. Stripped of all my Montreal experience and friendships and city and language affection. I walked the same stairs I'd been walking for the five years I'd lived in this house. The roads were the same and the language was the same. The lake was there like it's always been.
Of course, why on earth would any of this have changed?! That would just be silly. Rather nonsensical, in fact. But it struck me: everything was moving forward and changing for me in Montreal. I was growing up there and starting to become a little bit of an "adult". (In small ways; I suffer no illusions that I am some fully independent "grown-up" by this point at any means! but in Montreal, adulthood is definitely what I've been inching quite steadily towards.) It was in Montreal that I'd done a lot more learning than ever before on how to take care of myself, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. It's in Montreal that the exploring, the discovering, the big choosing, the new-relationship building, was and is happening. That's not to say that some of it can't be carried on here. It's just rather difficult to transport relationships and a city and its lessons across the country. For me, at this point in my life, Montreal is where the movement is. It's where the newness continues and where I'm taking steps forward. I feel a little frozen here, being away from it all, even if only for a couple weeks. Things would be different if I knew I was staying in BC for a longer time, but I'm not. I'm headed back across the country soon to my second home.
At the moment, that one is a little less safe and certain than my solid home here. Nothing can ever beat family in terms of feeling perfectly at home; I was born and raised in this British Columbian city, and I have no plans to leave it behind and forget about it (don't worry Mom and Dad :)). Besides, it's kind of gorgeous to say the least - a place everyone from Québec wants to visit! But more importantly, it's filled with beautiful people: old friends, grandparents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, parents... People, parents especially, who I'll always want and need on some level, be I here, Montreal, Mongolia, Morocco, or Monaco. Or even someplace that doesn't start with an "M"!
It's funny really, this outcome of the human ability to love so many people. If home is where the heart is, what is one to do if a rather large and motley crew of people can hold parts of your heart all at once? Let's just say that I think it's okay to have more than one home for the time being. One has a very strong and old foundation. The other's foundation is currently being laid, and the construction workers are doing quite the solid job so far. It's hard sometimes, to have your heart dragged in so many directions. But it's alright too, because, in truth, more homes just mean that there's a lot of love going around, and that makes me one very blessed girl.
