"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Maybe this seems childish, but I've been feeling rather sentimental lately - about all of these good-byes, these endings and new beginnings. I thought this post might be better if saved for when I actually leave, but by then, who knows how I'll feel? I'll probably view differently this whole growing-up process within even a few days, but for now, this video quite fully encapsulates what I've been thinking and feeling.


ALL RIGHTS RESERVED TO DISNEY.

The Closing of a Chapter, Part 2

The hallway is empty. Boxes are piled on the benches, filled garbage bags are slumped beside bins, and the lockers stand as sentinels, rid of their locks and all the important content from this year's learning.

I'm looking down the hall, and through a partially open door can see into the counselling centre, where teachers are walking around, sitting at their desks, putting last minute touches on this year's marks and report cards. I just finished my last exam, French, and it's all over now.

I feel so lonesome, and more bereft than I was expecting. I don't want this to end yet. I don't want to not be a student here... But then again, I do.

My locker is the only one still filled, with a flag of Québec, pictures from camp, and a little paper marked "nucleic acids" from a biology game first semester. There's piles of documents from organizing the Famine, an unused calculus textbook from last year's course, and my name tag from the Gospel Mission. A blue ball of sticky tack is still stuck in the locker... It was horrible quality.

There's a sinking, sick feeling in my stomach, and I can feel it creating a knot in my throat, but I don't want to cry yet - right now would be awfully inconvenient. I'm going to meet someone from McGill, who'll tell me all about the lovely things I can look forward to next year... I shouldn't be crying over the end of high school for that.

Well, my locker needs to be cleaned, and textbooks returned, in the next seven minutes. So... Goodbye.

The Closing of a Chapter, Part 1

So, tomorrow it begins. Some people don't care for or think much of their grad, but when you belong to a school that has a grad class of about 73, it's kind of a big deal. It's an even bigger deal when you're class valedictorian. It's also important when you happen to have quite a few close friends in your grad class, and this whole graduation business signifies the end of an amazing past four years. Not that the good times have to end, but they'll certainly be different. Especially when you're across the country from your best friends.

Tonight, we had our last caregroup. I've been a leader with one of my closest friends, H, for the past two years, and tonight brought me to tears. I just love our girls so much. When they were hugging me and crying that I shouldn't go to Montréal, I wanted so badly to say that I'd change my plans for them, that I'd stick around here so that I could keep leading them. Why do we have to grow up? I almost feel that there could be no "better", or "bigger" purpose for me than to positively impact the lives of younger girls, to pray with them, hang with them, care for them, love them, and encourage them. Maybe there isn't anything "better" or "bigger", just something different that I'm supposed to be doing. Our girls are each so special, prized, and unique. And beautiful. So beautiful, inwardly and on the surface. I'm going to miss them incredibly. So now, not only is this weekend filled with graduation and moving on from high school friends and teachers (though I intend to stay in contact with a lot of these people), but it is also filled with trying to realize that this was my last caregroup. Next September, I won't be there with H to awkwardly attend the leader retreat, and laugh until our sides ache, and plan our first caregroup, and pray for our girls, preparing the first meeting last minute, despite our best intentions. Though, come to think of it, I'll still be able to laugh, pray, and maybe even help plan with her... I hope :)

It's all rushing up on me. I hardly realized how much I meant to my incredible girls. I love them so much.

And now tomorrow, it's beginning and ending all at once. I really want to clue in, and experience the moments. I want it to register, but I'm also afraid for that to happen, because then my eyes will probably start welling up. I don't feel old enough. I'm thrilled to be wearing the cap and gown, but I feel distanced from what that means, and I don't feel prepared to take it all in. Though I am excited. So very excited.

I like adventures.